Reflections

I have to admit that I have been a little down for the past couple of days. Probably a result of coming off of the very powerful steroids that I was on (I was operating like I was on jet fuel for the past few weeks) and the decision we made on Monday (see below). I am still convinced that we made the right decision. Prior to my stem cell transplant, I had pretty much accepted that there was no cure for my cancer. And I was at peace with it. Then the stem cell transplant provided a seed of hope and after a year and a half to be told that there was no trace of it... well, despite my best efforts to restrain my enthusiasm, I had begun to hope that perhaps I would have a reasonably normal life again (at least healthwise).

Now those hopes have been put to rest for good. There is no aggressive treatment left that probably won't either make make me an invalid or kill me off for good. The best I can hope for is remission if the less aggressive chemo I will take from time to time is effective. I will be starting a round of treatments tomorrow (just some pills on a daily basis for now).

Don't get me wrong; I haven't ruled out God. I do believe that He could heal me. But I have never been convinced that this is His plan for me. Some will accuse me of a lack of faith undoubtedly for even saying that. But the truth is, my walk with God has never been stronger than it has been the last few years and I believe that His call on my life had been to trust Him in the midst of this affliction, not despite it or in hopes of deliverance. In the midst of it.

One of my hopes in taking this approach is my hope that it will be easier on Denita. It is hard on her having to care for me when I am so sick or trying to be with me when I am in the hospital. Those days will be coming again, I know. But perhaps we can put them off for a while. Being a caregiver, I think, really is as hard or harder than being the one in need of being cared for. The last few years have been hard on my love.

Continue to uphold us in your prayers. Facing one's mortality or the mortality of one's loved one is never easy. I have no idea how much time I have. Could be a few years. Could be many. But I want them to count. This is why I decided not to spend them fighting to stay alive. There is more to life than fighting for life.