My church

Sometimes people ask where I go to church. Probably part of the reason is an attempt to classify me somehow (good luck with that!). If you want to know where I fit in theologically, take a look at my doctrinal statement . I am, without apology, a conservative evangelical. As for where my wife and I go to church, we have been members for the past 10+ years at City Centre Baptist Church (which is a Fellowship Baptist Church). We never attended Baptist churches before moving to Mississauga and neither of us grew up as Baptists (both my wife and I grew up in the same Evangelical Missionary Church back in Didsbury, Alberta) but when we moved here in 1997, we found that there was not a great choice on churches here (which was surprising for a city of 700,000). Anyway, we fit in here at City Centre now, despite a couple of rough patches. We love our new pastor and are encouraged by some of the changes that we have seen. We have friends here who pray for us and have really stood behind us during the past few years. And that, to my mind, is a big part of what church is. We may not see eye to eye about election, predestination, and eternal security (I am more Arminian that the typical Fellowship Baptist is) but we pray and worship together even when things are rough.

Bleccchh

Woke up this morning with a headache, much as I do almost every morning since I started this round of chemo (every evening I take four tablets of a drug called Leukeran). Usually, it goes away with a cup of two of coffee and maybe a couple of Tylenol , but not today. Been feeling a but nauseous, with a headache all day. Read the newspapers this morning, had brunch and then went back to bed where I napped and read until a few minutes ago when I decided to check my email.

In a nutshell, I feel "bleccchh". I suspect that I will have more days like this. I am grateful that most days I can function fairly normally, but the last 2-3 days have not been so good. Hope that this chemo will do some good so that I don't have to keep on it for too long. It does tend to wear you down little by little

A quote of a quote of a quote of a quote

You've got to wonder about the future of Christian journalism when, in press release today, a journalist in a rather well-known Christian news service quoted a journalist who quoted another journalist who quoted me in an interview on Wednesday.  As Todd Nettleton, my friend at VOM-USA wrote to me, "Apparently original sources are passé." 

Who wants to be a billionaire?

Actually, it is really easy in Zimbabwe, where the inflation rate rocketed to 11 million percent in June. 

Olympic disciple

Must be a Canadian. Satisfied to settle for third best.

Reflections

I have to admit that I have been a little down for the past couple of days. Probably a result of coming off of the very powerful steroids that I was on (I was operating like I was on jet fuel for the past few weeks) and the decision we made on Monday (see below). I am still convinced that we made the right decision. Prior to my stem cell transplant, I had pretty much accepted that there was no cure for my cancer. And I was at peace with it. Then the stem cell transplant provided a seed of hope and after a year and a half to be told that there was no trace of it... well, despite my best efforts to restrain my enthusiasm, I had begun to hope that perhaps I would have a reasonably normal life again (at least healthwise).

Now those hopes have been put to rest for good. There is no aggressive treatment left that probably won't either make make me an invalid or kill me off for good. The best I can hope for is remission if the less aggressive chemo I will take from time to time is effective. I will be starting a round of treatments tomorrow (just some pills on a daily basis for now).

Don't get me wrong; I haven't ruled out God. I do believe that He could heal me. But I have never been convinced that this is His plan for me. Some will accuse me of a lack of faith undoubtedly for even saying that. But the truth is, my walk with God has never been stronger than it has been the last few years and I believe that His call on my life had been to trust Him in the midst of this affliction, not despite it or in hopes of deliverance. In the midst of it.

One of my hopes in taking this approach is my hope that it will be easier on Denita. It is hard on her having to care for me when I am so sick or trying to be with me when I am in the hospital. Those days will be coming again, I know. But perhaps we can put them off for a while. Being a caregiver, I think, really is as hard or harder than being the one in need of being cared for. The last few years have been hard on my love.

Continue to uphold us in your prayers. Facing one's mortality or the mortality of one's loved one is never easy. I have no idea how much time I have. Could be a few years. Could be many. But I want them to count. This is why I decided not to spend them fighting to stay alive. There is more to life than fighting for life.

As normal as possible for as long as possible

Over the past six years, I have learned that my wife often explains my health situation far better than I do. Besides, I am not really sure what to write right now; as Denita says below, we are still "processing" what we learned today. Anyway, here is Denita's email to our friends and family updating them (and you) on our consulation with our oncologist today, as we seek a way forward:

Well...today was the day we saw the doctor and got some answers. We're not really sure if it was good news or not so good news - we're still processing all that. Let me back up a bit. When Credit Valley said they didn't want to take Glenn on, we were referred to another hematology clinic in Princess Margaret. The doctor who will be in charge of Glenn's care there is a doctor we have seen on occasion in the transplant clinic, and we liked him, so we were happy about that. Today when he talked with us, he told us that to him the results of the tests are irrevelant. The fact that Glenn's cancer came back even after transplant means that it is stubborn and aggressive. What he wanted to find out is how aggressive we wanted to be in dealing with it. He pointed out that over the last 6 years the doctors have basically tried all the chemo drugs that are used to treat CLL and either they weren't effective, or Glenn developed a serious side effect that meant the chemo had to be stopped. He told us that if we got really aggressive Glenn could look forward to being very sick and possibly dying from complications of the treatment. Then he asked Glenn what he wanted, and Glenn said he wanted to "live as normal of a life as I can for as long as I can." When Glenn said that, the doctor agreed and told us that would be his preferred approach too. So....we have basically decided we will manage Glenn's cancer and deal with issues as they arise. That means another transplant is out. For now Glenn will be taking a chemo drug in pill form every day for the next month. We will then see the doctor again in a month and assess the situation. At that time we will decide further what else to do. Just another reminder that we need to live a day at a time and thank God for the strength he gives along the way.

This has been a tough day for us. We were really hoping we could beat this monster. Instead we will have to continue on in the battle. We covet your prayers as all of us are battle weary. The road ahead doesn't look rosy, but I'm confident that God walks with us and he will continue to strengthen us and use us in our weakness. Thank you for standing with us.

Love, Denita

What is chronic lymphocytic leukemia?

When people hear that I have cancer, I typically get one of two responses: 1) shock and an assumption that I must be virtually an invalid, living in pain (and staying home in bed), and 2) a testimony of some herbal remedy or treatment that really worked in someone they knew who had a different kind of cancer. I have yet to hear of one that worked on CLL.

While CLL is a rather common kind of cancer, most people know virtually nothing about it.  Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL) is a condition characterized by an accumulation of abnormal lymphocytes in the blood and the bone marrow.  These lymphocytes do not perform their functions as normal ones would and interfere with the production of other blood cells necessary for the normal functioning of the blood.  This leads to complications like deficiency of the immune system, coagulation problems, swollen lymph nodes, and a number of other conditions.  There is no known cure for CLL.  It mostly occurs in people over 50 years old (I was diagnosed at 40; I am 46 now).

May I add that while it is not the most virulent form of cancer out there, CLL is not a "good" kind of cancer to have, as some well-meaning people have sometimes put it.  Perhaps they would like to take it out for a spin?  Bruises, foot and leg cramps, bleeding, anemia, night sweats, lethargy, tiredness, swelling of the neck, concerns over nodes in the abdomen interfering with vital organs....

It's raining again...

This has been the wettest summer on record here in Mississauga. Every day, rain, rain, and more rain.  As I write this, we are experiencing our third torrential rainfall today.  And this song came to mind....

Thank you for praying

I want to thank those of you who have been praying that I would sleep better (see my blog from earlier this week).  I am glad to report that the last two nights have been the most restful that I have had for a while.  I even slept in until after 8:00 am this morning.

On Monday I go into Princess Margaret for our first consultation regarding treatment to take on the cancer again.  I would ask that you pray for wisdom for the oncologist.  I would also ask that you pray that I would be able to go to a meeting that I am supposed to go to in London, England in mid-September. I would really like to go, but if I start treatments before then, it is unlikely.  Not that I want to delay treatment if this is the best course of action.  But that is my desire; to be able to go.  I will also need to know whether it is safe to fly given my diaphragm/lung issues.  What a pain this body of death is sometimes!  I look forward to my new, glorified one.